Grief and Time

My dad died on my birthday, 22nd October 2020. I wasn’t there. In fact, I hadn’t spoken to him or my mum for months. He had Lewy Bodies dementia which was strangely enough what my father-in-law also had. It affects the autonomous system - things like your ability to manage body temperature, blood pressure. I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with him.

What I noticed in myself was an intense apathy. I had been so focused on my personal development, building up my coaching skills and preparing to launch myself and this business with focus and determination. All of that came to an abrupt halt. I just couldn’t bring myself to touch anything related to personal development. I couldn’t see the point of any of it. Perhaps I should have sought some coaching of my own, or talked to someone about my feelings - but to this point, over two years later I still haven’t done anything for myself or my business. In fact, today is the very first day I have even looked at the site I created in 2020.

I am angry. For what I am unsure. Probably at myself for allowing this apathy to go on, unchecked for so long. But it manifests in anger at other people. I find people annoying a lot of the time. Which really isn’t like me. I love (most) people. But I find that I want to be alone a lot more. I also take my anger out on my mum which is terribly unfair as she is grieving him as keenly as she did when it happened.

I also have moments of serenity. I feel my dad strongly at times. Like when I walk along a beach and a shell or pebble catches my eye. I feel him behind me. This is what we used to love doing together and we both collected beach detritus avidly.